The city’s health department has launched a campaign urging everybody to knock it off with the salt, because that shit will KILL you—just like sugary food-stamp soda, food with calories, and cigarette snax. No more beef broth nightcaps for you anymore, Bubs.

In a press release, the city says salt can lead to high blood pressure, which often leads to the following health problems:

  • heart attack
  • stroke
  • sadface
  • congenital weirdness
  • ennui
  • emotional crippling
  • Internet addiction
  • Trichotillomania
  • “other cardiovascular diseases”

Every year, 23,000 New York Citizens die from eating too much salt. The only way you can avoid its deadly, destructive wrath is by never eating in restaurants, because the cooks load up your food with salt to make you die faster. It’s their only strategy for stopping you from blogging about your dumb food.

In addition to ending your dining-out habits, you can’t eat anything in the supermarket that comes in a tin can or a box, either. But that’s, like, everything in the supermarket, right? Yeah, pretty much. (Caramel apples are probably okay.)

This campaign against salt might seem stealth, but it’s only because you’re not religiously reading your Bloomberg Businessweek. New York City health officials have been working on a plan since at least January to reduce salt amounts by 25% in packaged and processed foods over the next five years as part of a nationwide plan supported by President Barack Obama and his “federal food police.” They don’t want you to die, because of socialism.